An interesting thread came up in one of my coaching conversations earlier this week. As we were talking about the elusive sense of balance, happiness came up. And I asked her a simple question: What kind of happiness are you seeking?
Without explanation, that seems like an odd question. We’ve been fed the message that happiness is the goal, that we’re built to pursue it, and that the ultimate success is simply to “be happy.”
But what does that even mean?
It’s hard to pin down because happiness isn’t as simple as it seems if we only consider it at a surface level.
It isn’t a state that we park up at one day, having “arrived” and realize that it was all worth it. That idea is like thinking you’re actually going to have a picnic on a blanket underneath the end of the rainbow one day.
Happiness is actually much more complex than this.
Two Types of Happiness
The ancient Greek philosophers had language to explain different types of happiness. This idea has fascinated me for well over a decade, and I think it offers an important nuance that can help frame how we approach our days and our lives in the modern era too.
The two clear distinctions are:
Hedonic happiness: This comes from the Greek root hēdonē, which means, in its simplest translation, pleasure. It is about living a pleasurable life, maybe even fun, and the kind of high-vibe happiness we often consider the “good life” to look like in our minds.
Eudaimonic happiness: This comes from the Greek word eudaimonia and translates most closely to “good spirit”. In more modern times, it has often been associated with the idea of flourishing. I typically explain it as that deeper satisfaction that comes from living a meaningful and fulfilling life, and feeling a contentment deep down in our souls - but that isn’t always pleasurable.
The Fulfillment Paradox
The things that bring us the most fulfillment often don’t feel good while we’re doing them. I call this the fulfillment paradox.
If we want that deep-seated sense of enduring contentment, the felt sense of satisfaction in our bones, and to be able to think that our days have been well spent, then we also have to get our head around the fact that many of our days will be spent doing things that aren’t enjoyable in the moment.
This isn’t a particularly en vogue idea in today’s wellness movements, or with the generational swing toward self-actualization and happiness as a birthright. We want life to feel easy.
But much like saving our money now leads to a longer-term win, building a meaningful and satisfying life often requires trudging through the hard crap, doing the hard things, and then reaping the rewards, including a sense of achievement and satisfaction, much later.
Doing Hard Things
In a workshop I have delivered many times on building well-being, I often ask people one simple question: What are you most proud of in your life?
I hear things like persisting through higher education, a huge work project, and restarting working out in their 50s.
But the most popular answer is always: my kids.
I often chuckle at this point, as raising two boys myself, the one thing I can confidently tell you about parenting is that it is hard!
Recent research highlighted in an article from The Atlantic suggests that parents are generally less happy when they’re raising their kids, with US parents seeing the largest drop in happiness after having children (although it is complicated). Jennifer Senior, one of The Atlantic's staff writers, even aptly named her book on the subject: “All Joy and No Fun”.
Yet as The Atlantic article goes on to state, these parents “still describe parenthood as 'the best thing they’ve ever done.”
The writer, psychologist Paul Bloom, describes raising his own children and attributes this feeling not to pleasurable, day-to-day happiness, but to “something deeper, having to do with satisfaction, purpose, and meaning.” That is eudaimonic happiness.
We’re proud of the things that force us to dig deep, find our character, persist, commit, and push through the stress. We gain a sense of satisfaction through applying our effort and energy. And it is that satisfaction that builds a deeper sense of personal fulfillment.
I’m not actually saying that we only want a eudaimonic sense of happiness. After my breast cancer diagnosis close to a decade ago, I’ve absolutely been that much more conscious of adding more hedonic happiness into my days. I am conscious of not postponing my joy and actively look for ways to have more fun. Our lives should be enjoyed.
What I am saying, though, is that happiness comes not just from having a pleasurable life, but also from applying ourselves to hard things that mean something to us.
Coming back to my client, that is what I left her to ponder. What balance do you want to strike here?
We don’t want to give up on all the things that feed us a sense of fulfillment, falsely believing that we’ll be that much happier if we’re just doing the pleasurable things.
This is the fulfillment paradox. Applying our energy in productive ways lets us sit back at the end of the day and say, “Whoa, that took a lot, but look what I was able to do.” And that sense of deep-seated satisfaction often feels better than any high moment of pleasure ever will.
Hi, I’m Kate Snowise - an executive coach, leadership advisor, and speaker. I’m a trained I/O psychologist, bringing together business and psychology in this Substack, Leadership Lately. I write practical thoughts for leaders who want to lead better on a real-life Tuesday, not a theoretical one. I live in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area, with my husband, two boys, and a pack of pups I adore. You can find out more about me and my work at katesnowise.com.